Hi, I'm back again after 2-3 years since my blog has been in hibernation... well, has been very busy with all the work, studies, personal life etc. during these past 2 years...
Actually, I tot of closing this blog of mine down since I have not been logging in for a very very long time.. but whenever I tot of closing down my blog, I realised that all the hard work that I have done for this blog (for e.g. sourcing and editing the codes for my template, customise my template to look nicer, adding in some widgets here and there...) is not an easy task after all... plus, I also realised that this is what I have been enjoying doing it all along thus I was unable to bring myself to destroy this hard work of mine... therefore, I will not delete it but instead continue to modify and make it into my private blog...
Actually, I have something to confess... at one of the CNY visiting around 1-2 years ago, my niece had recommended me to go for a matchmaking session with one of her very close male friend (a friend that she had known for years since she was in ITE during her sch days and is also her children's godfather)... this chinese guy (name is "Nicolas" but I addressed him as "Nic") height around 180cm+, working at SP PowerGrid (Kallang branch), income is around average, age is 30+, stays at YCK/AMK area and has a car... he is also the only son in the family thus his parents is a bit on the traditional side...
At first, I didn't really think mch abt the matchmaking session as I tot is juz a normal casual meetup and even if we didn't end up as a couple in the end, at least we still can be frenz and agreed to go and meetup with him... after waiting for quite some time, my niece contacted me and said that the matchmaking session has been arranged and it will be held at Manhatten Fish Market at Plaza Singapura together with my niece, Nic and my niece's parents (coincidentally, they joined in the last min as my niece had gone shopping with her parents and Nic earlier b4 the matchmaking session)...
As usual like all other gals, I was very nervous and shy (maybe coz this is my 1st matchmake session) that I didn't talk mch during the session... but soon after my niece has tried to make the atmosphere not so awkward for both of us, we ended up chatting from things like dramas, animes, pets, hobbies/interests, work/job scope, family background etc... we even shared out our own criteria when finding a partner in a r/s including marriage and family planning (like how many kids we intend to have, what will our plan be like if we have kids etc.) lol...
Ever since after the meetup session, we have been meeting with one another on several occasions (such as movies or dinner dates) and we have get to know each other's character and secrets very well... initially, this r/s has been going well for me until it started to change a yr ago... at 1st, it started with a nightmare that I dreamt that I was kidnapped, gang raped and sexually abused by my ex and ended up coma in a hospital in order to save Nic and my frenz from danger... when I met Nic, I told him about the nightmare and little did I never expect his ans to me was this:
"Dun worry...as long as you are by my side, I will protect and make sure you will not be harmed... you can trust this on me ok?"
I was totally shocked, stunned and speechless that my mind juz went instantly blank for the next few mins lol!!! So, I pretended that I did not hear that sentence and told him that we are frenz and that he can't always be my side forever (although I dunno why I said this for) and we headed back home instead... also, I told him that to keep this as a secret for me as I dun want everyone around him to know abt this...
On the way home, I kept thinking abt his ans and what he meant by that... although there is an impromptu of me trying to ask him on a few occasions (after that day incident until today) but I tried to control myself from asking him... on the following outing with Nic, I told him to forget abt the nightmare and he said he can't forget and promised that he won't leak out to anyone (not including my niece) abt this... so, things went back to normal state where we 1st met as frenz until when my last family gathering with my niece, she asked me abt Nic and I asked if Nic had shared anything to her... that was when I realised Nic had not been sharing to anyone (including to his parents and frenz) a single bit of info abt me... not even sharing how he get to know me as his frenz... everything abt me is all so Private and Confidential...
Again, this left me speechless and shell-shocked as I tot he would at least share abt me to his parents... I started to think why is he trying to protect me, my privacy and my life so secretly that he is afraid that letting people know will cause me harm? And, why did he also choose not to tell my niece abt my r/s with him since we are juz frenz? All of these qns came into my mind instantly that I could not even tell my niece the reason too... With that qns in my mind, once again, I felt like wanting to ask and know the truth more and more each day but I kept it in my heart in the end as I could not bear to ask him...
From that day onward, I starting to realise that I might like Nic but I could not bear to say this out face to face to him especially when we meet... things got even worst when there was a time that Nic invited me to his friend's party and we were early... thus, we decided to have coffee break at TCC Cafe at Anchorpoint before heading for the party... during the coffee break, my hp was ringing non-stop (due to the messages from friend abt her r/s problems) and I think Nic knows it and kept reminding me if I want to see my hp 1st... I said dun need as I know who the messages are from and is regarding some r/s problems and told him abt the contents briefly... which the next few actions that Nic did really shocked me and some people in the cafe...
He told me to call this friend of mine without telling her and asked me to pass him my hp so that he can advise her on how to handle her r/s!!! At 1st, I rejected him by asking if he is kidding only... but what I never expected was that he was serious abt it as he was chasing for me to call... I was too speechless that I secretly whatsapp my close friend to inform her (which shocked her too) and asked her permission immediately... luckily, my friend agreed to talk to him in the end... therefore, I have to say a few things to tell her on this post (as I do not have the courage to tell her face to face till today):
1. SORRY my friend, for shocking you on that call and glad you understand the situation during that time... AND
2. THANK YOU for helping me to have the conversation with Nic during that time or else I really dunno what to do next...
During the call, I juz sat there hearing Nic advising my close friend and kept on laughing and laughing as I really do not how to react in this situation!!! I know I wanted a guy that can do that for me but I hope that guy is my bf or my future husband and yet, Nic (whom we are juz frenz) juz did it w/o 2nd thoughts and this is really OUT OF MY ANTICIPATION in my entire life from a friend... with that for the 3rd time, I was totally not into myself anymore as I am too extreme shocked as I juz could not believe that it has happened right in front of me...
And coz of this, I started to realise that I and Nic started to grow closer and closer gradually everyday till that I ended up falling in love with him too deeply liao... although I know as time pass by, he has get to know gals (either through online or other matchmaking session) and that he always share it with me and he has never share anything abt me to them at all... which made me felt happy in my heart abt it but also at the same time, felt jealous when he share abt the gals to me (dunno how and why I got these feelings)...but I choose to hide all these feelings away without letting Nic know as I am too afraid to face the same results from my prev r/s agn...
Honestly, also when he told me that he has liked another gal and wanted to woo her, my heart started to break into pieces that sometimes I blamed myself for pushing him away and letting him go... I really wanted to tell him my real feelings but I do not have the courage to do it and juz pretended that I had no feelings for Nic (including lying and laughing at him when he suspected and asked if I like him)...
Even till today, my feelings for Nic has not being forgotten or changed and I know that even though Nic had someone in his heart (although he tried to woo her and failed but he is not giving up either) and I know that if I continue to have these feelings, I will end up hurting myself more and more each day... but to forget everything that he has done for me and let him go to face this world alone, I really can't force myself to do it... thus, I decided to write it in here and buried it deep inside my heart without Nic knowing it forever... sometimes, I also listen to songs that reminds me of Nic too:
"What can I do to make you mine... falling so hard, so fast this time... what did I say, what did you do... how did I fall in love with Nic" (Song [Chorus]: "How Did I Fall In Love With You - Backstreet Boys")...
"I tried to go on like I never knew you... I'm awake but my world is half asleep.. .I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you, Nic, I'm going to be is incomplete" (Song [Chorus]: "Incomplete - Backstreet Boys")...
Haixz... all I can say to myself is that for our r/s (Nic and me), I only can depend on god... if really not fated to be together, I hope he will never find out abt my feelings forever and that I can move on quickly and always be the happy and cheerful Cherlynn with someone loving me one day... right now, I only want to concentrate on my studies and my career only... my r/s? I think I will juz leave it to fate ba... therefore, all the best for me to achieve my goals (and hopefully my r/s too one day!)... Nitez everyone!
At first, I didn't really think mch abt the matchmaking session as I tot is juz a normal casual meetup and even if we didn't end up as a couple in the end, at least we still can be frenz and agreed to go and meetup with him... after waiting for quite some time, my niece contacted me and said that the matchmaking session has been arranged and it will be held at Manhatten Fish Market at Plaza Singapura together with my niece, Nic and my niece's parents (coincidentally, they joined in the last min as my niece had gone shopping with her parents and Nic earlier b4 the matchmaking session)...
As usual like all other gals, I was very nervous and shy (maybe coz this is my 1st matchmake session) that I didn't talk mch during the session... but soon after my niece has tried to make the atmosphere not so awkward for both of us, we ended up chatting from things like dramas, animes, pets, hobbies/interests, work/job scope, family background etc... we even shared out our own criteria when finding a partner in a r/s including marriage and family planning (like how many kids we intend to have, what will our plan be like if we have kids etc.) lol...
Ever since after the meetup session, we have been meeting with one another on several occasions (such as movies or dinner dates) and we have get to know each other's character and secrets very well... initially, this r/s has been going well for me until it started to change a yr ago... at 1st, it started with a nightmare that I dreamt that I was kidnapped, gang raped and sexually abused by my ex and ended up coma in a hospital in order to save Nic and my frenz from danger... when I met Nic, I told him about the nightmare and little did I never expect his ans to me was this:
"Dun worry...as long as you are by my side, I will protect and make sure you will not be harmed... you can trust this on me ok?"
I was totally shocked, stunned and speechless that my mind juz went instantly blank for the next few mins lol!!! So, I pretended that I did not hear that sentence and told him that we are frenz and that he can't always be my side forever (although I dunno why I said this for) and we headed back home instead... also, I told him that to keep this as a secret for me as I dun want everyone around him to know abt this...
On the way home, I kept thinking abt his ans and what he meant by that... although there is an impromptu of me trying to ask him on a few occasions (after that day incident until today) but I tried to control myself from asking him... on the following outing with Nic, I told him to forget abt the nightmare and he said he can't forget and promised that he won't leak out to anyone (not including my niece) abt this... so, things went back to normal state where we 1st met as frenz until when my last family gathering with my niece, she asked me abt Nic and I asked if Nic had shared anything to her... that was when I realised Nic had not been sharing to anyone (including to his parents and frenz) a single bit of info abt me... not even sharing how he get to know me as his frenz... everything abt me is all so Private and Confidential...
Again, this left me speechless and shell-shocked as I tot he would at least share abt me to his parents... I started to think why is he trying to protect me, my privacy and my life so secretly that he is afraid that letting people know will cause me harm? And, why did he also choose not to tell my niece abt my r/s with him since we are juz frenz? All of these qns came into my mind instantly that I could not even tell my niece the reason too... With that qns in my mind, once again, I felt like wanting to ask and know the truth more and more each day but I kept it in my heart in the end as I could not bear to ask him...
From that day onward, I starting to realise that I might like Nic but I could not bear to say this out face to face to him especially when we meet... things got even worst when there was a time that Nic invited me to his friend's party and we were early... thus, we decided to have coffee break at TCC Cafe at Anchorpoint before heading for the party... during the coffee break, my hp was ringing non-stop (due to the messages from friend abt her r/s problems) and I think Nic knows it and kept reminding me if I want to see my hp 1st... I said dun need as I know who the messages are from and is regarding some r/s problems and told him abt the contents briefly... which the next few actions that Nic did really shocked me and some people in the cafe...
He told me to call this friend of mine without telling her and asked me to pass him my hp so that he can advise her on how to handle her r/s!!! At 1st, I rejected him by asking if he is kidding only... but what I never expected was that he was serious abt it as he was chasing for me to call... I was too speechless that I secretly whatsapp my close friend to inform her (which shocked her too) and asked her permission immediately... luckily, my friend agreed to talk to him in the end... therefore, I have to say a few things to tell her on this post (as I do not have the courage to tell her face to face till today):
1. SORRY my friend, for shocking you on that call and glad you understand the situation during that time... AND
2. THANK YOU for helping me to have the conversation with Nic during that time or else I really dunno what to do next...
During the call, I juz sat there hearing Nic advising my close friend and kept on laughing and laughing as I really do not how to react in this situation!!! I know I wanted a guy that can do that for me but I hope that guy is my bf or my future husband and yet, Nic (whom we are juz frenz) juz did it w/o 2nd thoughts and this is really OUT OF MY ANTICIPATION in my entire life from a friend... with that for the 3rd time, I was totally not into myself anymore as I am too extreme shocked as I juz could not believe that it has happened right in front of me...
And coz of this, I started to realise that I and Nic started to grow closer and closer gradually everyday till that I ended up falling in love with him too deeply liao... although I know as time pass by, he has get to know gals (either through online or other matchmaking session) and that he always share it with me and he has never share anything abt me to them at all... which made me felt happy in my heart abt it but also at the same time, felt jealous when he share abt the gals to me (dunno how and why I got these feelings)...but I choose to hide all these feelings away without letting Nic know as I am too afraid to face the same results from my prev r/s agn...
Honestly, also when he told me that he has liked another gal and wanted to woo her, my heart started to break into pieces that sometimes I blamed myself for pushing him away and letting him go... I really wanted to tell him my real feelings but I do not have the courage to do it and juz pretended that I had no feelings for Nic (including lying and laughing at him when he suspected and asked if I like him)...
Even till today, my feelings for Nic has not being forgotten or changed and I know that even though Nic had someone in his heart (although he tried to woo her and failed but he is not giving up either) and I know that if I continue to have these feelings, I will end up hurting myself more and more each day... but to forget everything that he has done for me and let him go to face this world alone, I really can't force myself to do it... thus, I decided to write it in here and buried it deep inside my heart without Nic knowing it forever... sometimes, I also listen to songs that reminds me of Nic too:
"What can I do to make you mine... falling so hard, so fast this time... what did I say, what did you do... how did I fall in love with Nic" (Song [Chorus]: "How Did I Fall In Love With You - Backstreet Boys")...
"I tried to go on like I never knew you... I'm awake but my world is half asleep.. .I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you, Nic, I'm going to be is incomplete" (Song [Chorus]: "Incomplete - Backstreet Boys")...
Haixz... all I can say to myself is that for our r/s (Nic and me), I only can depend on god... if really not fated to be together, I hope he will never find out abt my feelings forever and that I can move on quickly and always be the happy and cheerful Cherlynn with someone loving me one day... right now, I only want to concentrate on my studies and my career only... my r/s? I think I will juz leave it to fate ba... therefore, all the best for me to achieve my goals (and hopefully my r/s too one day!)... Nitez everyone!
