Hi back to my 2nd private post this time again... although it is quite late but suddenly I do not know why I can't get to sleep... not sure is it because I feel stressed & troubled... so ended up chatting with friends and blogging about my troubles...
The past few days life has been going quite unsmoothly for me... firstly, work has been rough as there are many things to do... such as rushing for the retreat which is on 13 Nov as there are many things uncollected yet & still missing of stuff... secondly, my godma has just passed on 3 Nov morning which is sad thus affecting my mood over the past few days... thirdly, my school presentation is on 6 Nov which also happens to be my godma's funeral... luckily, I still have a little bit of time to prepare for my presentation as I can't afford to fail this module because this is the 2nd re-attempt already... however, what makes me feel sad & disappointed the most was my friends... friends that I have treated them as my closest friends... haixz...
Well, it started on 4 Nov when my godma passed away... at about 8am, I have informed my friends that I am rushing to SGH as my godma can't make it... one of them responded back to me to take care of myself while the other didn't replied back... at first, I was very happy and appreciative towards that friend who responded back... however at about 9:30am, when I spread the bad news to them that my godma has passed away peacefully... there was no replies from them at all... not even a condolence message was send to me... initially, I thought they might be busy at work & got no time to see messages therefore I waited till at night to see if they will respond or send at least a condolence message...
However, this is not what I expected... what really happened was that one of my friend actually commented her condolence message on my mum's Facebook about her sister's passing (which is also referred to my godma) a few minutes after my mum posted... it makes me feel so weird & everyone felt strange as they are wondering who is this girl... & the thing is that I have informed through online in the morning why choose to comment on my mum's Facebook instead? Didn't she received or read the online message in the morning? Or she choose not to respond? Then, why respond to my mum's post leh?
Not only that, my other friend also didn't respond or reply back at all on that day... thus, I decided to test their respond by greeting them the next day morning before they start work at 8am... but guessed what, no response from both of them at all on that very day too... not even during lunch break, going home time or even dinner time... until when on 6 Nov afternoon, one of my friend responded back that she was sorry as she was busy during the past few periods... I felt that it was too late as my godma has already been cremated when she replied back... with this, I suddenly thought that they were not very sincere at all... I do not need them to rush down for my godma's funeral wake... but at least I expect a condolence message to me when I send the news... I do not need them to reply during office hours... but during lunch break or dinner time or even when going home, I'm sure they will see their hp & send their condolence messages... is it that hard to send to a friend these 2 words?
This kept me thinking till today... yet, I still can't get the answer... additionally, they should know that since they never sent any condolence messages at least spare a thought for friends... I was too busy juggling between work & my godma's funeral already plus no mood to go plan for outing due to the funeral... yet, no one has confirmed the outing for 8 Nov... & only waiting for me to ask if it is confirmed then start to confirm everything... I don't even managed to rest from 4 Nov all the way till 6 Nov and only managed to sleep on Saturday but they still need me to plan & confirm the outing... my mind is like what do they treat me as? Are they really treating me as friend in the first place? Or they just saying for the sake of saying that I am their closest friend or sister?
Although I am really very tired & sick of all these already but I really can't bear to leave this friendship alone although everyone been telling me not to bother them anymore... but easier said than done... my friendship with these 2 friends has been over 7 years... instead almost for 10 years soon... even if they don't treat me as close friends or understand me but the bond is already there... how can I say just break off this friendship?
Anyway, this is not the first time that they have failed to understand me... but what I feel is that if they ever treat me as their close friend, I think they really need a lot of improvement... at least learn how to understand friends would be a better choice... instead in this world, there are a lot of things that not everything people say means can be done... just like I need someone to accompany me is not have to say it out... if by saying it out can solve the problem then I would not need to ask for accompany to go out... sometimes, people ask for accompany because they want to relax or chill out & do not have any agenda... but to them, is like most outings I would need an agenda... can't be an outing just eat & not doing anything... this is what I meant by accompanying but they just don't get it till I have to be so specific to them... thus leaving me a question in my head... do they really treat this a friendship & is this what they meant by sisters?
Hence, from my godma's funeral, I decided that since only I am making them as my closest friend... I will continue to do that but I will not expect much from them anymore... therefore, ever since my last post incident, I told them not to treat me as sister or close friend as I do not know if I can continue to do that to them anymore... yeah, you can say I may be the bad person here... but from my godma's funeral experience, I know that it hard to get a true friend or a close friend...
I just asked a simple question a few weeks ago... a question that is if one day I asked for their accompany to go out not doing anything will they willingly to... both replied yes... but in reality? After this incident, their actions has just shown me the opposite... yet, when I asked this same question to Nic & even to my higher nitec friend (who we hardly apps) they instantly asked me when want to meet out instead without asking me in details... & this makes me feel so touched as those friends whom I am close with can't even do this...
& because of this, I started to realise that I can't really trust or rely them too much... maybe trust still can but I think some things we should just remain as friends would be better for all 3 of us... though I feel regret that we can't really be a very close friends or sister... but I feel that maybe is a good thing as through my godma's funeral experience, I managed to get see the true reality & colours of these 2 friends...
However, like I said earlier, I will treat everyone as my close friends so no matter what, I will still try my very best to help them as long as they needed my help without anything in return... at least show some appreciation & sincerity to it... just like how I sent my condolences to one of my these 2 friends when her grandfather has passed away recently (even suggesting to go down to the wake to pay respects)... & I hoped that all my friends will not take this friendship as granted as it is... if really one day something bad *touch wood* has happened to me... at least I hoped that they will remember my kindness & help just like how people remember my godma's kindness & help that she has done without any returns... in this way, I will be very grateful & happy that I made the right choice of friends... haixz...
Well, I got to go as it is quite late & plus I am sleepy already... but before I go, I would like to say thank you for those who were there for me earlier... especially for my higher nitec friend who stayed up all night to hear about my troubles & sorry for disturbing her sleep... feeling much better after consoling with her & also to post my troubles on my private blog too... although I may not have close friends but these friends who willing to be there when I need one is already good enough for me... so THANK YOU FOR THESE FRIENDS, YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
With this, I will be going offline for now & will post again whenever I have the time... off to bed now as I am meeting my friends for outing later... goodnight & sleep well everyone... but don't forget to take care of yourself too! 
