Yo everyone, back for another posting in my blog again after the long battle with my hardest and tedious exam yesterday... although I know that I may not be able to maintain my A grade but I hope that at least I can pass this module and get over with it as I want to graduate and I know that I cannot afford to fail this module (as I have already failed thrice... which means to say this is my 3rd time re-taking this module)... haixz...
I wanted to post some personal views about what I had felt over the past few weeks but was unable to due to exam preparation... therefore, I thought of posting it down today... this is a secret that I wish to keep it here forever... so, I would like to apologise to all my friends if you happens to read this post one day and please do not bear any feelings to it as I REALLY never had the intention to let you all know about this...
I wanted to post some personal views about what I had felt over the past few weeks but was unable to due to exam preparation... therefore, I thought of posting it down today... this is a secret that I wish to keep it here forever... so, I would like to apologise to all my friends if you happens to read this post one day and please do not bear any feelings to it as I REALLY never had the intention to let you all know about this...
I guessed I was having mixed feelings for the past few weeks... I just realised that friendships are not the same anymore... it's just like everything just change overnight... I do not know if I am either thinking too much or am I being sensitive... but to be honest, yes, I am sensitive and soft-hearted type of person who does not speak out her mind easily thus I am able to sense that everything is not like the good old days in ITE... not sure if all my friends agree with me on this...
The reason why this thought came to my mind is because of an incident... it started when there was an incident that my nitec friends had a big argument over something and both of them had decided to distance themselves since then... although they never said it out loud and told me that nothing happened and that they are fine, I can tell from my feeling that things are not as simple as it was in the past anymore... it's like when I called them out for an outing, instead of 3 pax happily chat and laugh with one another it becomes like only 2 of us are talking and the other either playing her mobile or just keep quiet...
So, I wondered if there's any ways that I can try to bring in all together to close the "quietness" but no matter how hard I tried or used different methods, it does not even seem to work at all... I even tried to put them together to plan for an outing rather than I plan so that they can close up the gap themselves but still no results... hence, I got pissed off one day and just bombarded the 2 of them and what do I get in the end? It's not appreciation but being reproach for not spending a thought for them... if I do not spend a thought for them, I would need to find trouble myself to bother about this incident... I would not even think of how to salvage this friendship... I just feel so hurt when this is what I get in the end for helping them so much for years...
Then, just recently, I had another argument with my nitec friend about an outing... the other nitec friend knew about the argument (as she was in the group chat when we were arguing) and told us to cool down... yup, I may be harsh on this friend when we argued but I am that type of person who wants to get it straight to the point rather than go around a bush or hide it away... after a few weeks has passed and my anger has cooled down, I realised that the group chat was very quiet... so I thought they might be busy as it is the weekdays periods... however, during the weekends, there was no message in the group chat asking if I am alright or any apology messages... not even a message from the other friend to ask if we are alright... I was speechless TOTALLY! it's just like do you even care about me as your friend? do you all even treat me as your friend? this makes me feel so sad that I almost cried...
It's just like the same as my previous incident... when I wanted someone to go out with me (not doing shopping or anything and sit down to be my listening ear), it seems easy to say yes but when comes to action is harder... why? because I just asked them (including my higher nitec ITE friends) out and realised that either no one responded or everyone is busy with their own schedules...
And because of that, the only person that I can turn to is only Nic... but I do not want to create any more misunderstandings and burdens to Nic as I know that he and me are already impossible to be a couple... I do not want to keep on troubling him as we are just purely friends... plus, I REALLY want to forget my feelings to him so I tried not to keep calling him out unless if is with my cousin or like once in a few months outing... that why I will always look for my friends first instead... but they just don't get it... even when I have already explained many times to them... it's tiring to explain and explain again but if I don't explain... will they even care to ask first?
Additionally, I know that as a friend, not everyone can be there for me... I do not expect all my friends to be there 24 hours for me... we are not in a boy-girl relationship but at least I hope my friends can do the same to me... be fair and be more understanding... recently, my higher nitec wanted to meet up for a gathering in Dec... I replied I am alright with other dates in Dec except for some dates (which I have listed in down for them in the group chat)... then, they decided to meet on 22 Dec as most of them are off and free on that day... I responded by saying I could not make it as my godma has just passed away and 22 Dec is her funeral 49th day... at first they didn't replied my message so I just took it that I have already informed them to go ahead without me...
Yet, after a few weeks has passed, one of our higher nitec asking in group chat if Dec gathering is confirmed... and the other responded back stating the rest have not replied... so I thought I have send out stating that I could not make it... but never mind, I informed them again... guess what? one of them responded back like she was pissed off or angry as she start sending message that says if someone ask you out tomorrow and you said you have plans, then the person goes dinner alone... I was shell-shocked that I immediately bombarded her and said is not I do not want to go but I just can't make it because of my godma and her reply was like she knew and I do not have to keep on repeating it... this makes me feel very pissed... and I know that one of our friend was suggesting to have a gathering on any prospective dates in Dec... I didn't say anything about that so why is she kicking a fuss about that message... is there something wrong here?
One thing this friend has been telling me she is not close to the other friend anymore which I find it hard to believe her... especially after this incident happened... if you are not close, why are you kicking up a fuss over a small message when no one has said anything about the message or anything wrong with that friend... and I hope they are not really just using me because when one of my friends posted on group chat if anyone taking part-time degree course, this friend instantly replied my name in the group chat without asking me at all... I was like "what the..." and wanted to ask her privately why put my name without asking me (but didn't have the time to ask her as I was busy at work)?
This made me even angrier with her because she didn't even bother to ask me if it is alright to say my name just like that... is not that I do not want to share to people that I am studying part-time degree course but is depends on the situation and the type of friendship we have for each other... to me, I can share to everyone that I am currently studying part-time degree... but as she ever spare a thought for others... she knows that there are other people who wants to take degree course and there are some who can't afford to take one... by announcing to everyone that I am currently studying degree part-time, how will other people feel? now she tells the group I studying part-time... so everyone start to compare among themselves... which I don't think is good way to start comparing among themselves...
That why I never really share to my friends that I am studying part-time degree course because I do not want people to feel inferior and jealous... that's not I want... but now she said this, I feel even more "paiseh" when we meet as everyone might start talking about the degree course... that why one of my friend advise me to be careful of these friends as they might feel jealous and thus might want to pull me down instead... at first, I do not really agree with her but after the incident on the part-time degree I am actually agreeing with her slowly... haixz,,.
Sometimes, I just wondered why is it so hard for friends to understand me... all I ever wanted was the basic things in friendship... which is trust, respect, understanding and show appreciation for each other... is that really hard to achieve it? if so, why am I able to do it although it took me years to get to understand my friends? I do not need a good advice from my friends (as I know not many of my friends are able to provide me with good ones) but at least be my listening ear for once... not only that, I also want to have some privacy and appreciate if my friends can respect my privacy... it does not mean by sharing to them means I will allow them to share to others... why I share some of my private information to my friends is because I trust them as my friends and I would also want them to respect that trust and not break it... at least inform or ask me first before sharing it... it's not like I will eat them up if they ask me...
Likewise, I do not expect my friends to make promises to me as I do not make them any promises too because I know myself that I may not be able to keep to all promises I made... but I won't stop them... however, I hope they can abide to the promises made rather than to break them... if knowing that they can't make it, at least inform me rather than just do it on their own action without informing...
Lastly, before I would like to end off here, I WOULD LIKE TO INFORM EVERYONE AGAIN THAT THIS IS JUST A OBJECTIVE VIEW OF MY POINT AND IT DOES NOT MEANS ANYTHING AT ALL... thus, we hope to seek everyone's kind understanding in this post and do NOT bear any grudges or feelings as this is just a post for reading purpose only... thanks and will post again next time... goodnight everyone! 
